The light makes me feel ill, I get headaches a lot and I feel faint and confused.
I'm not as sharp as I used to be. I'm quite slow in thought and get things mixed up quite a lot.
I don't know what this is.
I feel ok for a few minutes, maybe an hour at most per day if I'm lucky but then it's gone again and it feels like I'm suspended just outside of reality with nothing or nobody inviting me back inside.
I've been having blurred vision, short bursts of headaches and disorientation which lead to me feeling detached from reality as well as physically sick.
I've always had perfect eyesight so this is really getting to me. I'm going to the doctors first thing tomorrow.
Luckily I now have the most supportive boyfriend to carry me through times of depression and paranoia. He may be blunt, but he tells me the truth and helps me to break out of the prison I create in my mind. He helps me to keep my head above water basically.
I do feel ashamed sometimes, or weak that I cannot pull the strength from inside myself but I suppose we all need help sometimes.
Kind of annoyed I can't go to the doctors about my head in fear of it interfering with my future career plans but I will hold off unless it is incredibly essential and vital
Usually I don't hate how I look
But, there are so many pretty people out there...
Gosh, maybe there aren't many pretty people, maybe I'm just shit in general
Just opened my eyes and what I used to have is gone
Gone, goodbye, woah, how time flies, I want time back, come back! Sorry Ibi, time will not change for you, you had your fun, now pay for it you stupid little bitch, how the fuck could you be so blind, stupid, selfish cunt, i hate you, look what you've done, you had it all, screw you, you deserve what you're going to get, take what you can, whilst you can because what you could be enjoying now is gone forever, you lost your place in line so join the back and pray you get another shot at it.
I used to love my eyes, I thought they were beautiful
Now they just remind me of... grime, i feel like gouging them out, they make me sick, they're not beautiful or pretty anymore, I don't care, if they cant be loved my anyone but myself what's the point
I'm so stupid
When will I learn to just accept life changes, nothing stays for more than a while then it's gone
Why do I do this to myself now? I know, I'm not that pointless really
'Life is pish'- that makes me smile, funny hehe
[supress emotions, just till exams are over then I can go mental]
And I can't fuckin wait
I doubt they'll care about my eyes anyway, nobody does anymore, I hate them.
If you burn eyes, do they melt or just cook?
- Current Mood: distressed
but its too emotional
n fuckin stressful
I can't believe it actually happened to me!
[could be happening right now:'( ]
i hope it all gets sorted by tomoro morning before school
before its too late
have to be brief to avoid the risk of getting paggered my my mother, father and...
someone getting disembowled by my big brother and fuckin father
i hate him by the way
oh well, he said id end up like how i might, but i won't allow me to
she's coming with me tomoro morning
im not scared
just feel sick really
but this has made me see life for what it REALLY is
do i really want this?
is it right for me?
i mean, why? im only 15 for heck's sake
oh i dont know
well i do
but im going to hang in there
i cant of gone through all this to just throw it all away...
- Current Location:room
- Current Mood: anxious
- Current Music:breathe no more- evanescence
I remember it all so well
...even just thinking about my memories with him make me smile to myself...
she said she'd be perfectly happy if i ended what i have with
xHIMx to get back with him
but she told me it was all wrong
she advised me to play them both
but i can't do that to myselfshe hurt me so badly today when she was telling me how wrong it was, yet when she was with us she was saying how we suited eachother!
he LoVeS me for me, that's what i always wanted
he was doing a really immature impression of him which brought me close to tears
which i covered up with pretending to laugh onto xHISx shoulder they don't know how they cause sharp needles to my heartbut it just seems that...
i liked him so much
i... well... sorta trusted him
which is odd because i am overly suspicious
and because i didn't mean to, but did, give him my heart
which he never wanted
it all turned out so wrong
but i'll always have strong feelings for him won't i?
i just wish people would stop thinking my heart is made of steel and can withstand all amounts of emotional pressure
surely they must know how unstable i can get
but i refuse to get like that again
...im happy now...
and once again
have to say
because its what's in my head at the moment
I LOVE YOU STEVE
I GIVE YOU MY HEART
AND KNOW YOU WON'T LET IT STOP BEATING
AND I'LL KEEP YOURS IN MY MIND FOREVER
...NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS
since something always comes creeping up to poison my heart YOU MAKE TOMORO =) AND I LOVE YOU FOR YOU XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
- Current Location:my room
- Current Mood:hurt
- Current Music:It's not over- Secondhand Serenade
Life IS getting better honest1 week until
Download Festival 2008!
Me and Steve will have the time of our lives
and anyway, I don't think I need a councillor anymore
Since I've been with Steve it's like I'm happy all the time
I'm so fortunate to have found him
after two years of good friendship and four years of knowing he existed
He made me smile when he said HE'D council me, and charge £1 per session
I'm not saying that my past relationship was bad
I actually think it was my fault it went wrong
thanks to my insecurities and overly suspicious and paranoid mind...
...it screwed up in my mind
I actually think, looking back, it didn't have to be then end...
And anyway, I've only been out with two guys before, so I guess it must of been down to lack of maturity
These's always a stupid voice in my head saying...
Nothing good lasts in your life so just make the best of the situation for now and don't think about the consequenses of your actions
but 'tis too late to do anything now
I'm glad I've done what I've done and I wouldn't change it if I could
I just hope... er... plectrum... doesn't hate me too much
I don't know if he should or does
It all screwed up, thanks to me
but I must say...
I LoVe YoU StEvE!!
- Current Location:My room
- Current Mood: creative
- Current Music:Bittersweet- Within Temptation
He hasn't called...
I have tried so hard to forget him
Why won't he leave my head?
Why can't I erase all the memories I have with him?
Was it all real?
I love him
I wish he could know the pain he has unintentionally inflicted upon me
The nights I've cried, suffered from the sheer memory of him
I wonder, if I told him, would he of rejected me forever?
I thought it wouldn't ever change
'You can have more than one soulmate...'
'If I met you last year...'
'You can come and stay with me for a few days...'
'I waited for you for ages...'
Him... all of this...
How could he say this then just leave me abandoned, alone, rejected
I split up with my ex- because of the memory of him, I just couldn't stop crying
Im in a loving relationship now... how long until his voice begins haunting me once again?
I'd do anything to see you, I'd give all the worldly posessions I have...
Just to be with you...
The only one to make me whole
The pain is overwhelming and unless it is stopped, numbed at least...
I don't know how much longer I can pretend I don't feel this
I'll always be waiting for you... always
- Current Location:My Room
- Current Mood: morose
- Current Music:Vermilion Pt.2