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My appetite is gone, I have to force myself to eat when I get hunger pangs but the food in my mouth tastes of nothing. I used to love food, but now it all just tastes the same, but some things worse than others.
The light makes me feel ill, I get headaches a lot and I feel faint and confused.
I'm not as sharp as I used to be. I'm quite slow in thought and get things mixed up quite a lot.
I don't know what this is.
I feel ok for a few minutes, maybe an hour at most per day if I'm lucky but then it's gone again and it feels like I'm suspended just outside of reality with nothing or nobody inviting me back inside.
It seems I have always had dark tenancies... hmmm.

I've been having blurred vision, short bursts of headaches and disorientation which lead to me feeling detached from reality as well as physically sick.
I've always had perfect eyesight so this is really getting to me. I'm going to the doctors first thing tomorrow.

Luckily I now have the most supportive boyfriend to carry me through times of depression and paranoia. He may be blunt, but he tells me the truth and helps me to break out of the prison I create in my mind. He helps me to keep my head above water basically.
I do feel ashamed sometimes, or weak that I cannot pull the strength from inside myself but I suppose we all need help sometimes.

Kind of annoyed I can't go to the doctors about my head in fear of it interfering with my future career plans but I will hold off unless it is incredibly essential and vital

finally opened my eyes, but it's too late

Usually I don't hate how I look

But, there are so many pretty people out there...
Gosh, maybe there aren't many pretty people, maybe I'm just shit in general

Just opened my eyes and what I used to have is gone

Gone, goodbye, woah, how time flies, I want time back, come back! Sorry Ibi, time will not change for you, you had your fun, now pay for it you stupid little bitch, how the fuck could you be so blind, stupid, selfish cunt, i hate you, look what you've done, you had it all, screw you, you deserve what you're going to get, take what you can, whilst you can because what you could be enjoying now is gone forever, you lost your place in line so join the back and pray you get another shot at it.

I used to love my eyes, I thought they were beautiful
Now they just remind me of... grime, i feel like gouging them out, they make me sick, they're not beautiful or pretty anymore, I don't care, if they cant be loved my anyone but myself what's the point
I'm so stupid
When will I learn to just accept life changes, nothing stays for more than a while then it's gone
Why do I do this to myself now? I know, I'm not that pointless really

'Life is pish'- that makes me smile, funny hehe

[supress emotions, just till exams are over then I can go mental]

And I can't fuckin wait

I doubt they'll care about my eyes anyway, nobody does anymore, I hate them.

If you burn eyes, do they melt or just cook?

it works
but its too emotional
n fuckin stressful

I should be shitting myself....

I can't believe it actually happened to me!
[could be happening right now:'( ] 
i hope it all gets sorted by tomoro morning before school
before its too late
have to be brief to avoid the risk of getting paggered my my mother, father and...
someone getting disembowled by my big brother and fuckin father

i hate him by the way

oh well, he said id end up like how i might, but i won't allow me to

she's coming with me tomoro morning

im not scared
or worried
or happy

just feel sick really

but this has made me see life for what it REALLY is

do i really want this?

is it right for me?

i mean, why? im only 15 for heck's sake

oh i dont know

well i do 

but im going to hang in there

i cant of gone through all this to just throw it all away...
...can i?

help me

I remember it all so well
...even just thinking about my memories with him make me smile to myself...

she said she'd be perfectly happy if i ended what i have with xHIMx to get back with him
but  she told me it was all wrong
she advised me to play them both

but i can't do that to myself
or him
LoVeS me for me, that's what i always wanted

she hurt me so badly today when she was telling me how wrong it was, yet when she was with us she was saying how we suited eachother!
he was doing a really immature impression of him which brought me close to tears
which i covered up with pretending to laugh onto xHISx shoulder

they don't know how they cause sharp needles to my heart

but it just seems that...
i liked him so much
i... well... sorta trusted him
which is odd because i am overly suspicious

and because i didn't mean to, but did, give him my heart
which he never wanted
it all turned out so wrong

but i'll always have strong feelings for him won't i?
it's unavoidable

i just wish people would stop thinking my heart is made of steel and can withstand all amounts of emotional pressure

surely they must know how unstable i can get
but i refuse to get like that again
...im happy now...

and once again
i have to say
because its what's in my head at the moment

since something always comes creeping up to poison my heart


Life IS getting better

1 week until 
Download Festival 2008!

Me and Steve will have the time of our lives

and anyway, I don't think I need a councillor anymore
Since I've been with Steve it's like I'm happy all the time
I'm so fortunate to have found him
after two years of good friendship and four years of knowing he existed

He made me smile when he said HE'D council me, and charge £1 per session

I'm not saying that my past relationship was bad
I actually think it was my fault it went wrong
thanks to my insecurities and overly suspicious and paranoid mind...
...it screwed up in my mind
I actually think, looking back, it didn't have to be then end...

And anyway, I've only been out with two guys before, so I guess it must of been down to lack of maturity

These's always a stupid voice in my head saying...
Nothing good lasts in your life so just make the best of the situation for now and don't think about the consequenses of your actions
but 'tis too late to do anything now

I'm glad I've done what I've done and I wouldn't change it if I could

I just hope... er... plectrum... doesn't hate me too much
I don't know if he should or does
It all screwed up, thanks to me

but I must say...

I LoVe YoU StEvE!!



So the last time i saw him was last July, 11 months ago
He hasn't called...

I have tried so hard to forget him

Why won't he leave my head?
Why can't I erase all the memories I have with him?
Was it all real?

I love him

He's engaged

I wish he could know the pain he has unintentionally inflicted upon me

The nights I've cried, suffered from the sheer memory of him

I wonder, if I told him, would he of rejected me forever?

I thought it wouldn't ever change

'You can have more than one soulmate...'
'If I met you last year...'
'You can come and stay with me for a few days...'
'I waited for you for ages...'

Him... all of this... 

How could he say this then just leave me abandoned, alone, rejected

Brokenhearted Forever

I split up with my ex- because of the memory of him, I just couldn't stop crying

Im in a loving relationship now... how long until his voice begins haunting me once again?

I'd do anything to see you, I'd give all the worldly posessions I have...

Just to be with you... 

The only one to make me whole

The pain is overwhelming and unless it is stopped, numbed at least... 

I don't know how much longer I can pretend I don't feel this

I'll always be waiting for you... always